When You Start to See & Think

I had a realization the other day. A friend was processing church and mentioned something that I don't believe anymore. When I stopped to think about it, the craziness of how my theology has evolved is pretty interesting. I'm grateful for the journey, but these mini-revelatory moments are pivotal to the process too. It matters to sit and think about our stories. To see the progression of the journey, where we were and where He's taken us. If we're all being honest, all of our theology has changed over the course of our faith journey. All of ours'.  

Along the journey I see faces. Faces that are still present and some that are not. All are dear to me, dear for the meaning they have in our story. Some have been there for every dark night and bright morning. Others for a brief walk up or down a mountain. But they all hold a special place in my heart because they all bear the Image of the One I call Beloved. 

There have been those who have caused deep, deep pain and it leaves a mark in your soul. Some would say we've left deep marks in their soul too. It's the way of Adam...it's the way of being a person. Thankful for a Redeemer who can heal. And then there are those who leave you wondering what the interaction was all about. :) I was thinking of one of these precious people recently. 

We met at our kids' school that we were new to and she asked what everyone here in the south asks, "Where do you go to church?" Smiling, (such an interesting thing to ask a stranger) my honest response was that we love Jesus and didn't go to church. Jesus, Mary and All the Saints. That comment became the warning light going off on my head, I guess. 

It's always a crap shoot when you show up, when you say real things without hustling for your worthiness. I had moved past the sophomoric phase of trying to be shocking, but I was OVER faking it til I make it. Her eyes were full of worry after my comment made it to her brain and she suggested lunch soon. I was so thankful to have someone pursue friendship. If there's something common among church refugees it's loneliness. 

We had not been sitting there sharing lunch for long before she began offering the real reason for lunch. She was concerned about us not being in a church. I understood - honestly understood, but I was too tired to care what she thought. She had no idea what our journey had been like and instead of asking questions she offered advice and critique. 

Unusual compassion for her settled in as I listened, and a deep soul weariness too - much like what people feel when a Christian rolls out their spiritual agenda for them. You appreciate their earnest care, but really - would it be okay if they listened more than they talked and just showed up in your life day after day? 

As lunch wrapped up and she invited us to their church I said, "I guess I've been hoping someone would just be my friend and be okay with where I'm at instead of making me their project." Sadly, most people are not okay with honesty, with just saying where you're at and inviting them into the process of relating. But she seemed like she was willing and I was grateful.

Meeting new friends, actually new Christian friends, is rough when you're a church refugee. They have no space in their minds for a Jesus lover not also being a committed church goer other than "back slider". Jesus himself would have had them concerned..."Why are you not in church, but out here picking wheat to eat on the sabbath??" 

I know the concern, because I used to feel this way about folks like us and I know because I've sat there listening to others' concerns about us for going on years now. She told me how different and "missional and intentional" her church was and I just smiled - I knew more than she thought I knew. I'd spent the last almost decade of my life striving to be missional and intentional. I didn't say anything, just shook my head and tried to change the subject to any thousands of things we might could connect on besides her favorite 501c3. 

Many people still in the four walls think that church refugees are just disgruntled, wounded, angry people who need to suck it up "Cause there's no perfect church." and get back into a church. Yeah, right? 

But here's the deal - church refugees swallowed the damn red pill offered by the Trinity and guess what...there may be a part of wounded/disgruntled/anger in them because I haven't seen any pastors chasing them down; but that's not what made them leave. They left the church because the church is too busy becoming the answer to the world's problems and what the world wants it to be rather than the table and embrace it was meant to be for the Jesus follower. 

The table and the embrace and encouragement a Jesus follower would need as they went out into the world to Love. Because guess what, loving will cost you everything and it would be nice to have a warm meal and a pastor along with a handful of others there to cheer you on in love.

One of the first wrestles of a church refugee is giving yourself permission to SEE REAL THINGS and to THINK FOR YOURSELF. Could it be possible that God could speak to ordinary people you or does He only speak to those educated in the halls of seminary's?

We've been trained in every way that we cannot think for ourselves and that someone else knows what's best for us. This is not only the church's fault, from education to government to parenting...thinking for oneself gets said one into trouble. It's reminiscent of the Israelite's asking God for a king to follow when all He longed for was to lead them Himself. 

What a church refugee can no longer do is un-see and un-hear or not think, they can no longer NOT see and thinking for themselves seems to be the next step as you process what cannot be squared up any longer. Like Americans seeing what's really been happening in our country and how leaders have hidden much of it, the same thing is happening in the church. The hiding is over and so is the spin. Over.

Quickly, you learn that sharing what you see and what you think will get you into trouble as power responds to push back or simple questions. Questioning authority is a church no-no. Obviously, pastors and elders are the only ones who know what's up with God and you don't. Especially if you're a woman.:) So just keep showing up and volunteering and giving your money and leave the rest to the professionals. :):)

But there's no going back once the process starts, right?? As the losses begin to stack up and people walk away you realize what this journey will cost you. This is where most folks get off the train. They get up to the edge of this chasm of loss and turn back, because loss is terrifying and means months and years of wilderness. But so does life - life comes after death. 

I remember how afraid of messing up/missing it we were when we first left the church. What if we're wrong? Yeah, but what if you're right? :) What if Jesus is bigger than the four walls of the church? What if the local church - hold you breath, dear reader - what if the local church isn't the answer??? I know. Seems like hypocrisy or something close to blasphemy. 

But this. 

What if JESUS was the answer to this beautiful broken world's needs? 

What if He really was so IN and AROUND everything beautiful, including the Good Samaritans not sitting in churches? What about that? What if the four walls were for the care of Jesus followers and pastors could take their efforts and go after the ones, instead of fattening up the ninety-nines? Just an idea. :)

My friend and her husband did have us over for dinner eventually. We were so excited, it was the first time we'd been invited to share a meal since moving to Tennessee. 

Dinner was loud with a collective 11 children around the table. Just like we like it. :) Conversation was easy and as we prepared to leave I thought, "Maybe we can be friends." And then all of a sudden, I felt like this lovely dinner was over and turning into an Amway meeting. 

Like any good network sales person, she grabbed me and placed something dear to her in my hands, her church's discipleship book. She spoke in quiet tones, "I want to give this to you before you leave because I think it's what you've been looking for...our church is the real thing. We are not like other churches, we want to reach the world for Jesus in real ways, by making disciples." 

I sighed and fought tears as I leaned in close and put my hands on her shoulders and said, "I need you to know something. I could write this book. I've lived this book. We've lead training schools on making disciples while making disciples, we've gone overseas to start a school on how to make disciples. I've had exchange students, refugees, addicts and post college kids live with me so that I could lead them to Jesus. I GET IT. I get it and I don't want to go to your church. It's not new or different that I'm looking for in a church and your church isn't different and I don't want to go to it. I just want a friend." I handed the book back and she didn't know what to say so we thanked them and left.

That's been a long time ago now. I don't doubt our decisions today, I'm really glad we made them. Leaving the four walls lead us right to Him - out here. Everywhere. Jesus is more real than He ever has been and I see Him everywhere now. I'm not afraid at all. He's got us. I still get super sad and angry when I hear about spiritual abuse and hear the business language used in regard to the Bride or hear of celebrity pastors being, well - just like the world.  

Talking with other church refugees I see the fear and hear the ache as the losses settle in. This journey will cost you more than you think you can pay. In fact, you can't pay it - only Jesus can pay for this kind of journey. Lean on back into His strength. He's got you. Promise.

You will lose people in your life. The sweet friend who had us over and tried to get me to her church, yeah - she's no longer in my life. I get it too - she's busy getting people into her church and I wasn't exactly a win. :) That's alright - really, it's okay. I just can't live like that anymore. Having agendas for people is no longer a part of my day. Supporting a vision to see the local church spread it's tent pegs, nah. God already has the world and it's just too beautiful to try and fit into an organization.

These days we love being with Jesus followers. Maybe even some you would say aren't Christians. #moreblasphemy;) Go ahead and line them up with the Good Samaritan, we'll let Jesus look at their hearts and we'll just keep sharing meals and loving and pointing to the Dance of the Trinity. It's radiantly beautiful and there's always room for more. Always. 

We're busy on this old farm getting things in place to set up tables and when those fill up, we'll just make more. 

We hope this short post leaves you feeling encouraged that He's got you and that Jesus is the answer the church keeps trying to be and that if you want to follow Him, well - just keep pointing to Him. He's got us all. Promise.